How far can u run?

Photographer: Sofi Mdivnishvili

Text by Tina Kikalishvili


When I was a child and I felt sad, I used to lock myself in my room, open the window, lay on the floor and wait for God to come and talk to me. We aren't friends anymore but I’ve kept the habit of talking to myself. Too many conspiracy theories are running inside my head to be able to differentiate what really matters anymore. So I silently accept the push of my subconscious, melancholy, anxiety and all the miserable thoughts. 

My project is about observing myself during the lockdown. More specifically, it is about confronting the memories that have been hidden deep in my mind for years. When you are alone, you cannot run away from your body. It has also become impossible to banish these memories from your consciousness. Your body is the chronicler of everything you always want to escape. 

The first circle of loneliness 

Do you remember the stories your parents used to tell you before you went to sleep to help you sleep well? How do you sleep at night, do night demons bother you with their questions? Do you feel guilty that you do not have anything to tell them—not before sleep and not after you wake up? 

The second circle of loneliness 

Do you remember when you told your literature teacher that you were going to simply be a kind person when you grew up? What about today? Didn’t you resign from your job for that very reason?

The third circle of loneliness

Do you remember your first flat as a single adult and the feeling of insecurity that you would never live in the same place for long? Do you fear being too devoted and of creating the illusion of home?

The fourth circle of loneliness

Do you remember that strange feeling when your dream came true and you realized that something was lost in the process? Why don’t you speak up about your dream before you find a plan to achieve it?

The fifth circle of loneliness  

Do you remember when the client asked you to smile at 6:00 am in the morning while you were packing herbs? Why did you become angry with yourself, do you think you don’t have the right to feel bad? 

The sixth circle of loneliness

Do you remember when you wrote poetry and you told your brother that it was written by Galaktion Tabidze? When our grandma passed away you again wrote something but you did not let anyone read it. In a time when so many people are dying, are you more afraid of your death or the death of others?

The seventh circle of loneliness

Do you remember that sunny day at Lisi Lake when somebody punched you in the face? What did you feel then, why have you never talked to anyone about it? How many people stay silent today, behind their windows? 

The eighth circle of loneliness 

Do you remember when you strongly believed in happy families? Do you still think that he would have jumped out of the window if you had not held him back? When you worry too much about something, how much time should pass before it loses its meaning?

The ninth circle of loneliness

Do you remember the first time you wept with someone? Can we be sincere with each other if we have never cried together before? If we do not feel embarrassed after we cry, does it mean that this is the first time we are genuinely sincere?  

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